I have a sister. She should be an adult by now, but she isn't. As the older sister, I feel responsible to help her for as long as I can. But lately, I don't know how to do just that. She is a coward, because everytime I bring up the issues about her, she chooses to run away and go offline, because that is the easiest thing to do. She does not realize the impact of her actions of looking for the easiest way out on our youngest sister, on our parents, on how her future will be if she continues to be on this pessimistic path. Never mind how it affects me, because I'm all here to help her with all my might. I understand, being away for studies overseas is tough. I've been there myself. But the experience can turn one into a warrior for life. There is much more to learn than to achieve a passing grade. I can't say that I did all the right things as a student, but I knew I had to preservere. Why? Because I was afraid to disappoint my parents. I didn't care how tough some courses or semesters were, I just knew that I better graduate in time, or else... well, I didn't really have a choice back then. It's not something that I dared to comprehend. It's a lonely journey. It's not just for the bravest of souls, but I believe that it is for one who chooses believe. Believe in what, you ask? I think that you have to believe in the journey itself. It was ingrained in my head that my destiny would be away in a foreign land, and I guess it was something that I had always believed it, never mind the homesickness and constant depression. When I embarked on the plane to go halfway across the world just to study, little did I knew that I was going to do more than just that. From what I have observed, my sister might have allowed the loneliness to consume her. It's easy to simply surrender. It is not an easy task to befriend people from a completely different culture, even more so if you are the foreigner. You'll have expectations and stereotypes, and you'll soon find out that they too have the same perspective on you. You are the outcast, like it or not. Nonetheless, like my mom said, no man is an island. Even if you have to make friends for the sake of accomplishing your mission, it's better than being in the dark and feeling like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Is it fake? Most of the time, yes. Is it superficial? Sure. Is it like a business transaction? Sometimes. But that's called breaking the ice. Like they say, some people come into your life just to leave a footprint, some people stay a while, or not. It's just a fact of life. Eventually, you'll have to find ways to comprehend that, deal with it, and get over with it. If you're smart enough, you'll start relationships with no expectations so that you don't get disappointed. She said, there's no time to make friends in class. She is not doing well in some of her classes and she had tried her best. She said, people goes to class and the class starts. And when the class ends, everyone leaves. Nobody makes friends, she said. Having been a student before, I find that hard to believe. I always try to make friends on the first day itself, so that we have each other's backs. Was I annoying? Maybe. Do I still go home feeling lonely? Yes. It doesn't take away my loneliness, but you'll never know until you try, and try again. I've suggested to her to get to class early and catch somebody. Or stop somebody on the way out of the class. Maybe they are rushing to another class, so how about saying something like, "I have some questions about class, but I'll catch you later!" Jeezz... Is it really that hard? Make the first move, and establish the connection! If you ask my parents, they can tell you that I was a quiet kid. But when you're left to your own defense, you have got to get out of the comfort zone, am I not right? We will only grow from pain, not from comfort. I don't know. I'm really clueless at the moment because I hate to see my own sister being like this. And it's a downward spiral. If she doesn't learn to be a warrior today and face challenges like and adult, it might be too late to salvage the future. I just want her to learn to be responsible for her own actions, and most importantly, to be responsible for her own happiness instead of pinning the blame on her situation and the society. I want to be a good sister, even if it means that I have to serve medicine instead of candy once in a while. At this moment, I feel that our relationship has soured and perhaps even irrepairable. We were very close when we grew up, especially in the last few years. I thought we were always on the same page, but I am wrong. I'm not sure how my parents feel, but due to some other recent events not mentioned here that had transpired prior to this, I feel like I don't know my sister anymore, which almost equates to losing a sister.
I thought I'd share this video that I found today, because it really touched my heart. I really wish to be home with my family during times like these, and this video really spoke to me. I don't work for Petronas (a Malaysian oil company), but I guess I'm just super-sensitive like that. Sometimes, after being away from my family for such a long time does feel a little like being an orphan, although I cannot even begin to compare myself to being an orphan in reality.
For those who are not familiar with the Malaysian culture, this advertisement also shows the country's multi-culturalism. The little boy is Chinese and the woman who picked him up is Indian. This video brings back so much of my childhood memory back that I cannot stop the floodgates from flowing. Anyway, as much as the new year brings about a time for reflection, I must say that because we cannot stop the clock from ticking, nor can we turn the clock back, that we should focus on what we can do NOW and tomorrow. After all, I don't think if I'm home right now that I'll be any happier... despite the fact that I've told people that I wish to be at home with my family. Had I been at home for the past 8+ years, I would not be as appreciative of my family and my heritage as I am today. These experieces of being away from my family has truly made me a better person, I think. As I continue on with my yoga journey, I am glad to see myself being able to see that the part of me that misses home as still clinging to the past. The attachment will not help me move forward in my life, but it will shape me into a more conscientious person in the future.
Lately, many people had asked me about when we're gonna have kids. I honestly don't know how to answer this question because I don't think I'll ever be able to give unconditional love that is of a mother's. My parents always said to me when I yell back at them, "you'll never know how it feels when you become a parent yourself". Maybe because I'm afraid of karma because I had been such a disobedient child with the countless times that I've sniped back at my parents which in turn, caused made them cry. I can honestly say that it sucks when I see or know that my parents cry for me, especially it was due to something stupid and selfish that I have said to them. As my sisters grow older, I became closer to my parents and became their confidante. I got a glimpse of how being parents feels like. It truly feels like a big slap in the face whenever I think back of those times when I had hurt my parents. Those shoes are definitely too big for me to fill. All I can say is that, I am inept at giving unconditional love like my mom's. My mom takes it all in and because of that, her health suffered. I have honestly never thought about having kids myself mainly because I felt greatly indebted to my parents and I just want to focus in my lifetime to repay their love and kindness.
 | 28-28 | Dec 20, '07 3:28 PM
for everyone |
Haha.. I just realized.. I'll be turning 28 on the 28th of this month! Anyone going to buy lottery to see if my numbers are lucky?? :P
I was browsing the Internet for something irrevelant, and this article found me. I was freaked out by the description of myself (on my precise birthdate) and as I read on, my hair was standing on it’s end. Why? Because it was a forecast for my specific birthdate (December 28). Here’s what it said about me from December 2006 to December 2007: Busy, busy, busy! The Sun conjunct Mercury in your Solar Return chart suggests that you have a lot to do this year. At times, you may feel like the pace of your life is running ahead of you. You can be especially productive, however, in all types of communications–writing, speaking, learning, teaching, and so forth.
My comment: I planned my own wedding, signed up for yoga teaching certification, moderated a local bridal forum, started teaching yoga classes, signed up for cake decorating classes, dabbled in graphic editing, cooked a lot more creative meals at home, moved from the U.S. to Canada, planning to start a business… there’s no stopping at the moment! Mercury conjuncts Pluto in your Solar Return chart, suggesting that your mental faculties are attuned to otherworldly impressions this year. This offers you increased insight, psychological understanding and awareness, and focused attention. You are inclined to do a lot of “digging”, researching, analyzing, investigating, and getting to the bottom of things. Increased psychological awareness of yourself and others can benefit you greatly, and employing strategy in your decision making is easier than usual this year. Relationships with younger people may be especially rewarding and meaningful.
My comment: This was brought forth by my yoga certification course, whereby I did a lot of reflecting and soul searching. Mercury also forms a creative aspect with Uranus, re-emphasizing a strong theme of learning and communication in the year ahead. There may be unexpected and pleasant news this year that enhances your life. You are able to find new insight into old problems, and your thinking processes during this period are likely to be especially original. This is a good year for projects involving technology or New Age topics. You may find more opportunities to attend meetings and other organized group activities, to communicate online, and to take part in activities involving computers, scientific projects, or metaphysics. Unexpected gains may be realized through such mediums. Your intuition is strong, and insights seem to come from “out of the blue”. Original, creative ideas are easy to come by this year.
My comment: From all the reflection and soul searching, I found myself finding more answers in life. I was also able to see the situation as it is, especially in other’s problems. Yoga is catergorized as a New Age belief (this is paradoxical because it’s an ancient practice that is the science of all religions), so I was quite involved in the satsangs in class. I also learned a lot about graphic editing, just from merely editing the pictures of the food that I’ve made. I had also made quite a few dishes that some said, had been inspiring..LOL. Mars forms a pleasing angle to Neptune. You are more inclined to act upon your intuition, your sexual fantasies may be especially strong, and your creative impulses are potent. This aspect helps to soften your disposition, smoothing out some of the tension in your life. At times, you will have a “what will be, will be” attitude. This influence favors dancing, swimming, photography, arts, and entertainment. If you are an artist, this could be an especially inspired, imaginative, and productive year. Pay attention to your gut feelings, which will, more often than not, give you valuable information. If you are involved in sales, you will be able to tune into your client’s inner desires and motivations.
My comment: It’s true. I find myself simply “surrendering” to the Higher Consciousness that governs us all. I did not fret at much as before, especially during the latter half of the year. Every decision that I have made this year was driven by my gut feeling. I can’t attest to the part about sexual fantasies though  Venus forms a dynamic aspect to Jupiter in your Solar Return chart, suggesting that your love nature is strong this year, but given to extremes at times. Over-inflated expectations is something to watch out for. You may overvalue something (or someone), perhaps in an attempt to dramatize your life. You could be feeling especially sociable, in the mood to party, dramatic, extravagant, and inclined to overindulge as a result of a feeling of inner discontent and a desire for more from life than daily routines. Your appetite for pleasure is very strong this year! You are likely to attract loving relationships and more social opportunities into your life this year with Venus sextile the North Node of the Moon.
My comment: I had been feeling like I just want to let the hair down and party all year round! I can definitely say that I had been very dramatic this year as well. Poor Andy and my family were the people whom I had extreme expectations for due to my wedding earlier this year, hence the manifestation of the dramatic Bridezilla Forecast courtesy of Cafe Astrology. Revelations are cool, but they can be quite frightening as well. I don’t know if I want to know what’s in for me next year, because it’s not the same feeling if you’re expecting something. When I was a teenager, I used to check my horoscope daily at the end of the day just to check for it’s accuracy. Those were the days. If there’s anything that I’ve learned this year is to trust my gut feeling and simply deal with things as they come by. It’s silly to worry about things that may happen and consequently missing out on what’s righ under our noses. Nonetheless, I’m a WORRIER. It’s half the battle for me to simply not over-analyze things. I’m surprised at my own progress over this past year because of this innate streak in me. What should I do next year? To change from a WORRIER to a WARRIOR? A warrior of my insecurities and fluctuations of my intellect. That would be awesome  With Yoga as my shield and my sword, that should set me straight for this challenge cum dharma. Like a good friend of mine said, “Dust of your Divine Consciousness and see the true you!!”  With that, I’d like to dedicate this powerful mantra to my Purusha and every consciousness around me. My heart cries everytime when I hear this being chanted. Asatoma Sadgamaya asato ma sadgamaya
tamaso ma jyotirgamaya
mrtyorma amrtam gamaya Lead me from the asat to the sat.
Lead me from darkness to light.
Lead me from death to immortality.
(Brhadaranyaka Upanishad — I.iii.28)
Check out here for specific explanation of this mantra.
I haven’t written much lately, I’ve been swamped. Anyway, I got my haircut (I’ve got a bob now) few weeks back, and my beloved hairdresser told me that she’s won the Allure magazine award for giving the best cut. I saw her plaque at the front of the salon, but I couldn’t find the write-up in the magazine. While I was browsing the net idly at work, I stumbled upon Allure’s website and I decided to look up the award to see if my hairdresser, Jenny was indeed listed. To my big surprise, she is!! So the write-up on her award. 
Ok I guess it's high time for me to let my friends know that I've moved to a few new places to blog. I won't be doing much updating here in Multiply anymore, because they are simply too slow. Check out the following sites for updates in my life. Musings from the Heart (Personal Blog)
http://chrislsx.wordpress.com
- This is a place where I put a "pause" in my life and ponder a little bit about the stuff / happenings that catches my fancy. Dinner Lately (Foodie / Cooking Blog)
http://dinnerlately.wordpress.com
- This is my new bragging site about stuff I've made up in the kitchen. Also included are reviews of restaurants / food from Malaysia and wherever I happen to be at. Musings from the Mat (Yoga Practice Journal)
http://mattalk.wordpress.com
- I've begun my yoga teacher training program and am required to keep a daily journal of my practice. I've taken the dot come route and started a blog instead  Public Gallery @ PicasaWeb
http://picasaweb.google.com/christine.leong
- Many people had been following my wedding prep stages and had been wondering when I will post the wedding pics here in Multiply. There are simply too many of them to load, so I decided to take the easy route and autoloaded them to PicasaWeb. Wedding pictures from the viewfinders of family and friends are in this loated here. May 27 was the wedding in KL.Official wedding pictures are available here and the password is "detroit". P/S: My experience working with the wedding photographer was not of total satisfaction. To avoid being repetitious, read here.
 After much frustration from not being able to find candles in pink for our ceremony, I decided to get them separately and decorate them to match our theme colors, i.e. pink and brown. Plus, Chinese people have a taboo against using white/ivory candles for auspicious occasions such as weddings. Here they are 
 I was reading my co-worker's daughter's blog and I saw something really funny. If you are bored, try this:
- Go to Google Maps (http://maps.google.com)
- Click on "Get Directions"
- Type "New York" in the "From" field.
- Type "Paris" in the "to" field.
- Click on the grey "Get Directions" button.
- Scroll down to step # 24. What does it say???
So I woke up on Sunday morning yesterday, not expecting much to happen but I had been starving all night on Saturday for the Sunday Brunch at the Hyatt down the street in Dearborn with my good friend Nephre. I slaved on the computer all Sunday morning to edit some pictures for our "Diaper to Dating" slide show that will be showcased at the wedding (I learned some cool tricks with the '"lasso" tool in Fireworks entirely by trial and error). So 12:30pm rolled around and my tummy was growling so I called Nephre to confirm that we were still meeting at 1:30 before I open a pack of Maggi Mee instant noodles to devour. Andy was out mountain biking, so I was excited that I won't have to share my Maggi Mee with him if I eat one now  . I would even conceal the evidence (wrappers, dishes, etc) so he wouldn't question me and open another precious pack for himself when he gets home... 
Anyway, (where was I??) several moments later I glanced at the clock at the bottom right of the computer screen and it showed "1:10pm"... Crap I'm late.. I'm just gonna squeeze myself into my jeans and put on a T-shirt for this. Oh wait, it's a bit chilly out, so I put on my trusty pink sweater. Urghh... I looked like crap but I'm LATE! I dashed out of the house and got the the Hyatt at 1:35pm. Oh well... at least I'm here. Late and not at all fashionable. Nephre was sitting on the sofa, looking all cute and pretty, so well put-together (as usual  ) and I thought, hmm, am I under-dressed or what?? Oh well, it's not likely that I'll meet anyone that I know here today, right?
So we took the elevators and headed up to 2nd floor to Guilio and Sons Restaurant. I saw big piles of food gleaming in the heat lamps outside the restaurant and I was excited.. Great, it's a BUFFET! Good thing I wore something comfy to pig out in. So we strolled into the restaurant and we didn't stop at the Maitre D' (just a fancy name for a 'host'). I thought, hmm... Ok maybe it's different for Sundays, we'll just seat ourselves. So we sashayed our way to the tables and my eyes were darting to the right of the room to look for an empty table and Nephre said "We're sitting here" ... gesturing to a table left of me. I turned my head and I saw 2 familiar faces at the table. For a moment I was dumbstruck. Huh? Why is Vanessa and Khriss here? Wait, they are all dolled up too! And, huh.. how come there is this pretty arrangement of hydrangeas and gerberas on the table? In blue and white (something blue for the wedding) ... and and... what's this big box of stuff in one of the chairs wrapped in silver and white wrapper?
"Surprise!!!" they yelled. Damn right I was surprised. I was still trying to figure out what's happening and I was still wearing a confused look on my face for several moments after. I am not even sure if I asked them "Why are you two here?" Then Vanessa said "You're the bride!! Today is your day!!" Oh noooo..... This is my surprise bridal shower!! OMG.. I am totally not dressed for this occasion! Wait, I've never been to a bridal shower before, so I'm not quite sure what to wear anyways ...Haha! I must have looked like a silly fool in the middle of the room exclaiming "OMG OMG.. I'm sooo surprised! I've been totally fooled!!" over and over again. I've probably said it so many times that I could have annoyed the other patrons of the restaurant. Oh well.. like Vanessa said -- "IT'S MY DAY!!"
Then we walked to where the gleaming dishes are and started out with made-to-order omellettes (they were pretty good)... While we were waiting for our omelletes, Vanessa told me that she had been lying to me since MARCH about this day because I had been wanting to get together with my friends (in a group or individually) before I take off for KL. In fact, she had been dodging my phone calls (I think) for a few days leading up to this day, to the point that I thought I had really pissed her off by asking her to help me out at the photoshoot the other day in the cold  . Oh boy... I was really fooled.
So after we got our omelletes, we went back to our seats and the waiter brought over some orange juice in champagne glasses and I thought, WOW, this is fancy.. let me take a sip, I mean gulp. I must have downed half a glass in one shot before I realized that this is no ordinary OJ. It was kinda bubbly and not as heavy as regular OJ. I thought maybe they served us Five Alive (I  Five Alive juice) but my head began to spin. Crap, what is this?? "It's mimosa -- OJ with champagne!  " said Vanessa. As she was saying that, I swear I could have felt the bubbles from the champagne brewing to the top of my head. But I stop drinking that concoction? NOOOO.... As Vanessa and Nephre went to get more food, I sat in front of Khriss trying to hold a decent conversation with the bubbles swirling in my head. After about 3 sentences, I had to confess. I'm DRUNK . Yes yes... I'm a cheap drunk. Khriss said she wouldn't have known until I confessed. Haha, many years of practicing in front of my parents .
So we chatted and and ate away, while I tried my best to wipe the silly grin off my face. Then it was time to open the presents I did not expect anything from my friends, after all, they already got me stuff from the wedding registry in 2004 for the Registration of Marriage ceremony. It was totally not necessary, but it was realllyyyy nice of them to do so which made the surprise extra special. Khriss got me a set of silver photoframes, which will come in really handy when we come back from the wedding with loads of pics (you can never have enough photoframes!!) and Nephre got me a really beautiful set of Vera Wang champagne flutes. They were in a white box that said "Vera Wang" and I thought they were shoes for a second . And lastly, Vanessa and Dan got Andy and I gift certificate for movies to enjoy when we come back from the wedding... totally awesome since there are so many great movies to catch this summer. She was also the one that got the beautiful hydrangeas for the centerpiece  .
Oh and everyone got favours too! Nephre's ever-delicious caramel pecan popcorns were tied neatly in a Chinese takeout box with the exact wedding colours that I picked -- espresso brown and fuschia pink! She then topped the boxes off with a pair of caramel pecan pretzels that looked like a pair of chopsticks! How neat . They showed me the invitations that were handmade in pink and brown for the surprise shower and gave a copy of it for my keepsake.
All in all, it was a great brunch and I had never been surprised by a group of people. I'm so happy to have my own bridal shower (which is uncommon for Chinese culture) but I am very sad that they won't be joining me in KL for the wedding.Luckily I hired a really good photographer to capture all the great moments to be shared with them. And yes, I had to drive home in a drunken state. Good thing I was only 5 minutes away from home and the Sunday traffic was really light. Thank you soooo much Nephre, Khriss & Vanessa!!  MUACKSS i LOVE YOU all... !!!
P/S: Danielle, we missed you and I'll post pics from the shower when my friends get them to me
OK OK... I know I should stay focused on wedding plans with t-23 till the big day, but I saw this kitchen today on decor8's blog and I just knew that this is the ONE. Much like the engagement ring that I really wanted but I know I'll never get in this lifetime, but at least I can save my moolah for this kitchen for myself in the future.
More pics of this kitchen transformation can be found here.
This kitchen has everything that I wanted:
- Shiny mod looking cabinets -- I've seen the blue ones from IKEA. You can stick decal letters on them like the one from Debbie Travis' Facelift show on HGTV with poems, sayings, etc.
- Farmhouse sink (its big enough to wash my pots and woks without wetting the entire floor)
- French door refridgerator (so much space you can put an entire cake in there and then have room for juices, milk and a party tray)
- Wooden floors (of course!)
- Easy to clean stovetop.
- Stainless steel appliances (can be a pain in the butt to maintain, maybe I'll go with black for mine)
- Window in front of the sink.
As much as I would love to have granite countertops, they aren't cheap. And for this kitchen I'll probably go with black granite countertop if I can afford it...
Inspired by a really cool wedding blog that I came across a while back (http://www.weddingbee.com/) I am going to start jotting down the stuff that I need to complete before we hop on the plane in 12 days to head home for the wedding. I really should have started this habit a long time ago, but I create my lists on various scrap paper that keeps disappearing on me every time I head out the door to do my shopping. So I'm taking up the online route now and write them as a blog entry, that way my family and friends what the heck is simmering in this idiosyncratic head of mine. It'll be like a sporadic newsletter for my family and friends, written with much passion and tension from the crikey Dell keyboard in front of me.
TO DO
::Escort Cards::
These cards are meant to inform my guests of their table numbers when they sign up at the reception table. In Malaysia, we don't designate seats for each guest, but they are assigned to a table whereby they will seat themselves, therefore this eliminates the hassle of getting placecards and assigning everyone a seat at the banquet. Tasks to be completed:
Complete designing and printing the escort cards, cutting the cards and punching a heart shape hole on each card.
::Table Numbers::
I know, I know... the venue does provide me with table numbers but I hate their design and being the perfectionist that I am, I want everything to fit into my theme colours and the general direction of my design. Tasks to be completed:
Complete designing and printing the numbers on paper, cutting the numbers out (can be completed in Malaysia)
::"Hei" (Double Happiness) logo::
This is used to decorate the napkin on each place setting for each guest. We already got the "Hei" punch from ebay (which I still hadn't left a +ve message for the seller!!)
::Officiant Script::
Yea I gotta write this one too... Cuz we want to have a Unity Candle Ceremony just before the banquet starts, so our temple leader will be our officiant. Since this it totally out of the norm of a typical, non-Christian Chinese wedding, I am tasked at writing the script for her. We basically want to exchange vows and light the candle, but we need proper script for that and I am the only one right now who is capable enough to write it. Anyone wants to take this off my plate?? I would be glad to delegate this one out!!
::Emcee Script::
Since my tai kam jie (chaperon) is the emcee for the banquet also, and she also has not witness a proper Western wedding ceremony, I have to provide her with her script to annouce the flow of events for that night. Again, any takers out there for this? HELPPP!!!  I mean it!
::Diaper to Dating Slideshow::
This one is almost complete, Andy and I had been toiling at this for months, but most of the time, we procrastinated and waited for Andy's pics to be compiled for the slideshow. We're almost done though, and we always have a good laugh when we work on this project
TO BUY
::@ Michaels Craft Store (look for 40% off coupon in the mail this week)::
# Marth Stewart paper blooms -- to decorate parents' driveway
# Pink cardstock or vellum paper for "Hei" logo
# shape punch or "chair pix" stamp for escort card
# Pink paper to wrap the unity candle (because I can't find a 4" wide and over 6" tall candle in PINK)
# Feather birds to be used at cake topper and placed on bride + groom's napkin
# "Bird pix" stamp, "memories" stamp and pink & brown stamp pad for guest book idea
(I know that people don't like to sign guest books, so I'm thinking maybe 50 people out of the 300 will write me something memorable. I plan on putting a old wooden birdcage at the reception table so that the guests can drop the notes into the bird cage to leave me their good wishes. Depending on the availability of the material, I might just use the stack of origami paper that I have sitting at home and my guests can write on the blank side of the paper.)
::@ World Market::
# 4" W X 9" H pillar candle
So I guess you're probably wondering OMG this girl is NUTS  what else has she done so far? Well, I'll write about that later.. meanwhile, I better get some of these stuff off my TO DO list now!! 
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OMG... I think I'm freaking out again!
I woke up this morning with a frown on my face. All night long I dreamt that it was time to select my photoshoot pictures and ALL OF THEM SUCK!! The only good ones were the ones that Jessica chose to post on her blog, and I had to choose a total of 60 for the slideshow. What has gotten into me??? It could be the rain this morning, and the dark cloud's been sitting on my head the entire time I was asleep... I was very content and chirpy last night before bedtime but boy, just how fast that change... Just like the weather here in Michigan! 
I know that it's just a dream, but what if this will be a "dream come true"? That's gonna totally suck-ass!!
I don't know why I dream of such thing.. I was happy when I went to bed last night too!! 
Actually i had a stupid "cold war" with Andy last night... His friend messaged me in MSN and he talked to her... and she asked him "btw, when is the wedding again?" Guess what's my hb's reply? "ERRR i DONO, LET ME CHECK AGAIN"....
I was DAMN pissed!!! I planned this freaking thing over past 1+ year and as he help me cut and stick those stupid labels on the favour boxes for 2 days now with our wedding date right on it, he has the guts to FORGET ABOUT THE WEDDING DATE???
I was going to "hoi wok" -- (open wok) to cook dinner, I was so pissed that I decided to go on strike, I told him "The cook is on strike, no food for you!!!" then he answered me back, "fine" and went to snack on other stuff instead :( Finally after starving for 45 mins, I went to cook for myself and he help himself to the food obviously...
GERAMMMMMMMMMMMMM
32 days counting down to the wedding and the GROOM doesn't even know his own freaking wedding date!!!!!!
Not quite sure to say or feel but I've been totally overwhelmed with wedding prep these days. Many things had not been as smooth as I had wanted it to be right from the start... and I should have known that this is going to be a continued trend. I guess I don't deal with changes as well as I thought I can.
I understand that everyone has their own lives and my wedding is not exactly world headlines, but I would think that at the very least my ideas should be accepted by my family and not having to answer with endless questions regarding my choices. I guess the Asian culture is not used to having the bride making all the decisions about the wedding, such as color theme, bridesmaids' dress style, itinerary, program, etc. I just wanted my wedding to be unique and as pretty as I have seen it in other people's weddings.
I tried sharing pictures and albums of other people's weddings with my family but I guess nobody has time to look at them, and then they ask me nonsensical questions like "HUH? No Chinese people here do it like that one lah here... you're wasting your time and effort lah... nobody will appreciate what you do one lah..." it doesn't matter if those wedding pictures that I had tried sharing with them were from locals in Malaysia but they just don't believe me. In fact, they don't even think that Chinese weddings have speeches or that the bride should be on the stage talking -- the bride must be quiet and sit next to her groom the entire night, no talking allowed. I was just about to DIE when I heard that.
To be honest, I don't even know why I'm writing this anymore... I am just so fed up with the entire thing and I should have known that it is a BIG mistake right from the start when nobody could care less about my raves and rants. It just seems like my wedding is sore news to my own family because I am getting the impression that there is other stuff worth more of their time instead of my wedding. I just don't appreciate listening to complaint after complaint regarding my wedding prep instead of excitement and laughter in anticipation of the big day. Every idea that I had is being challenged and plastered with negativity. I feel like my wedding is getting in the way of everybody's life... is it worth it to hurt my relationship with my family just because of one stupid event? Is it too late to call it quits to everything that I have dreamt about for the past 400 days?
That's right, I'm utterly helpless as I wallow in depression and agony. My parents told my sister and I that our paternal grandpa has been hospitalized due to what the doctors currently believe as a stroke. They are trying to determine what the spots on his brain scan are, if it was brain tumour or not. We are praying hard that he will recover to good health soon so that we can bring him home with us and take care of him. With this happening so close to the wedding, I can't even decide on what to feel at the moment. I feel guilty if I even feel a tiny bit of excitement about the wedding right now while my family is praying by my grandpa's bedside.
All I want to do right now is to be able to go back to where things were OK again. I feel utterly helpless for not being able to freeze the times when my family was happy and together. I don't wish to turn back time but I have to admit that I have been terribly foolish to have subconsciously believed that things will always remain the same. Having been away from home for over 7 years has made me immune to things around me and I have always dreamt about my life at home, when things were great. I secretly did not want to accept the fact that we, as human will only age and that we are not getting younger by the minute. It is a one-way street. I do see that my parents age every time I go home, but in my heart I feel like everyday was just the same as when I was much younger. I refuse to accept that one day the picture of what I know today will not be the same. I just want things to remain the same, as in the people that I know and my family will surround me and life happily ever after. That is MY version of a fairytale. What a fairytale indeed. I have successfully censored unhappy thoughts in my head and expect everyone in my life to remain exactly how they were 7 years ago before I left. I don't really care about making way for new memories to form, but I'll be gladly have more happy memories with my family but not the bad ones.
Foolish thoughts... that's what these are. And extremely selfish too. As I pray hard for my grandpas and grandmas for that they will live until their ripe golden ages, eventually it is time for me to embrace the ultimate challenge of adulthood. I am guilty for not being brave enough to accept the very last stage of the four stage of human life according to Buddhism, and that is DEATH. My cowardish act and mind frame throughout these years overseas have done me no good for I do not know what to think, act nor feel at the moment. I have read plenty Buddhist scriptures that talk about the life and enlightenment and I am faring terribly at practising what I preach. It is precisely easier said than done. I had been subscribing to the "Ignorance is Bliss" dogma that is the polar opposite of the pillars of Buddhism, i.e. to be aware and enlighten and not affected.
As I try to get a grip of life at the moment, the only thing that I can do for my grandpa is to pray. Pray very hard for him, and that my grandma will hang on and not wallow in depression as well. And with that said, I would like to dedicate The Great Compassion Mantra to my grandpa and grandma.
THE GREAT COMPASSION MANTRA (DA BEI ZHOU 大悲咒)
The lyrics of the Great Compassion Mantra contain the names of many Bodhisattvas. Below is the Hanyu Pinyin or Romanised Chinese character version of the Great Compassion Mantra.
- na mo ho la da nu do la ye ye,
- na mo o li ye,
- po lu je di sho bo la ye,
- pu ti sa do po ye,
- mo ho sa do po ye,
- mo ho jia lu ni jia ye,
- an,
- sa bo la fa yi,
- su da nu da sia,
- na mo si ji li do yi mung o li ye,
- po lu ji di, sho fo la ling to po,
- na mo nu la jin cho,
- si li mo ho po do sha me,
- sa po wo to do shu pung,
- wo si yun,
- sa po sa do na mo po sa do na mo po che,
- mo fa to do,
- da dzo to,
- an, o po lu si,
- lu jia di,
- jia lo di,
- i si li,
- mo ho pu ti sa do,
- sa po sa po,
- mo la mo la,
- mo si mo si li to yun,
- ji lu ju lu, jie mong,
- du lu du lu fa she ye di,
- mo ho fa she ye di,
- to la to la,
- di li ni,
- shi fo la ye,
- zhe la zhe la,
- mo mo, fa mo la,
- mu di li,
- yi si yi si,
- shi nu shi nu,
- o la son, fo la so li,
- fa sha fa son,
- fo la she ye,
- hu lu hu lu mo la,
- hu lu hu lu si li,
- so la so la,
- si li si li,
- su lu su lu,
- pu ti ye, pu ti ye,
- pu to ye, pu to ye,
- mi di li ye,
- nu la jin cho,
- di li so ni nu,
- po ye mo nu,
- so po ho,
- si to ye,
- so po ho,
- mo ho si to ye,
- so po ho,
- si to yu yi,
- shi bo la ye,
- so po ho,
- no la jin cho,
- so po ho,
- mo la nu la,
- so po ho,
- si la son o mo chi ye,
- so po ho,
- so po mo ho o si to ye,
- so po ho,
- zhe ji la o xi to ye,
- so po ho,
- bo fo mo jie si to ye,
- so po ho,
- nu la jin cho bo che la ye,
- so po ho,
- mo po li song ji la ye,
- so po ho,
- na mo ho la ta nu do la ye ye,
- na mo o li ye,
- po lu ji di,
- sho bo la ye,
- so po ho,
- an si den,
- man do la,
- ba to ye,
- so po ho.
Source: http://www.geocities.com/amitabha48vows/a.htm
Mu Niang Che Bei, Namo Amitabha.
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